Philosopher or Lunatic

Hello

2003-10-08T05:41:27Z

Hey everyone.
I dunno, I don't have much to write. Life just kind of sux right now. I'm kind of losing track and I'm not quite sure which way is up anymore. Anyways, I have to go try to do some trig homework so I'll see ya later.

spatula63 @ 2003-09-21T21:36:00

2003-09-22T04:38:26Z

You know, today was a pretty cruddy day. I really am beginning to feel like my whole life is kind of caving in on me. I found a poem that I wrote a while ago and it first seemed to fit...

The end of the world was where I went
I stood and I stared and I questioned life there
Where was I really, I knew not then
At the end of the world where the stars touch the sea

Why am I bound to walk this earth
With the weight of a thousand stares on my back
A striving towards a goal so far out of sight
At the end of the world where the stars touch the sea

The sight that I saw at the end of the world
Reminded me of life’s bittersweet flavor
I bowed my head and was consumed by the mists
At the end of the world where the stars touch the sea

...(ya I know I'm no Robert Frost). But then I really thought about it and ya know, what ever does happen to us happens for a reason. Its funny because no matter how many times I'm reminded of this, I always seem to forget. Every pothole (or bottomless pit as it sometimes seems) has a reason.

Fortunatly I have also been blessed with some great friends that deal with me inspite of my problems. No one walks this road alone and that is encouraging in and of itself. Anyways - I have to finish my hogue essay and not do my trig homework so g'night everyone

Letting Go...

2003-09-20T19:51:28Z

As my life progresses forward, I am slowly discovering one of the hardest things in life. Letting go. There are so many things I want to hold on to but it's more damaging to hold on to them rather than letting them run their courses. One thing that this has really hit home with is a close friend. I don't want anything to happen to her and I just, I dunno, worry about her. I'm slowly learning that I have to let her grow up, lumps and all, and just be there when she needs me. That was my on-going revelation for the day. Ok...I'm gonna go not work on my english paper.

The Road that We Travel...

2003-09-16T05:30:51Z

Today was kind of stressful in and of itself but as I sit and reflect on the whole thing, it was beautiful. The air was crisp, it wasn't too hot or cold. I was so stressed about life and then, this evening a breeze was coming through the back door and I took a deep breath and it reminded me that no matter what life goes on. I rediscovered this song today and it just kind of lifted me up.

All heavy laden
Acquainted with sorrow
My Christ in our marrow carry us home
From alabaster come
blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken
Tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true
That love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be straight and narrow
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

-Jars of Clay

I guess thats one of the only true things that matters in life. Its something that is so comforting too. No matter how many times our hearts and spirits get broken, God is there and so is a fellowship of people who will help you along the road when you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

I guess thats all I really have to say tonight, I'm just trying to let go and focus on the real things that matter in life. Goodnight everyone.

Possums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-09-15T04:48:01Z

Today was interesting. A couple of my friends thought it would be fun to go to a bridal expo. Somehow I got roped into going and despite how much I tried to be positive, it was dumb. Not only did they go when there in no position to get married but they also registered as brides. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who doesn't find theses fantasical delusions funny. Oh well. After that I went to the beach and got some really great shots but I think I screwed up the film a bit so hopefully they will turn out. Other than that...I'm procratenating writing my essay.

Well, for those who are expecting a ponderous thought for the day - you're in luck. I was thinking about insecurity today and how it affects how we react to things. Everyone is insecure about something and in someway. Its part of being human. If we feel like we are lacking in an area, we try to "beef it up" by doing the things that someone who doesn't have that insecurity would do. For example, if someone is feeling a social inadequate (spelling?) they will try to make themselves feel more adapted by doing things that, according to them (highlight that), make them feel "cooler" or more superior to their own insecurities. Then, on the other hand, it affects our reactions to situations. Anything that doesn't fit in a little compartmentalized box of how we view the way the world should be is instantly disregared as distasteful or, for lack of a better term, weird. I guess that means the less insecurities you have the less inhibitions and more open of a mind you have.

Anywho, thats all I want to write for tonight - don't mean to offend anybody. Sorry if I did.

Night

Life, love, and tiredness.

2003-09-13T08:27:08Z

Today was alright considering I was semi-conscious and couldn't hear out of one ear. I swear time slowed down so that the parts of the day I didn't like took FOR-EV-ER. I'm not really in tweeked about it though. I'm just kind of tired. And my feet heart.

Well, while I was not paying attention to normal stuff today I was actually philsophically contemplating in what I laughingly refer to as my brain. This is what I came up with...

Most young people today swear they are in love. The problem is they really don't have any idea what love is. Everyone wants it in some way, everyone wants some sense of feeling connected, belonging. They will go on, at a high cost, to keep such a thing. The dating rate among teenagers is astronomical (at this point I know ya'll are saying "thank you captain obvious" but hear me out). The thing is, they feel the need to be with someone. Physical contact has a lot to do with both love and lust but in the world today it usually leans towards the latter. People can think that they are in love with someone and the only real premise of the relationship is physical contact. What happens if that runs out? And moving away from the intimate physical side, why does one feel the need to simply say,"I've got a boyfriend/girlfriend"? People are not status symbols! And even away from the bf/gf stuff, so many people leave the "luv ya" types of messages. Don't do it unless you mean it.
The only love that I have ever found that was worth keeping was that which is more of a protective affection. Granted, I have never gone out with someone but you must remember that may not give me the closest look but a more objective one. I guess there's not a whole lot I can do about it but maybe someone will actually find some wisdom in what I am saying. This is not a condemnation of anybody, at most I would hope it would be a jump off point for some introspective reasoning. Oh well, either way, I've said it.

As some poet dude once said,
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave"

THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-09-12T05:03:53Z

Econ is evil! I swear, I've been in that class for 2 weeks and my brains all economical now. It's like, "I have 20 bucks that I earned through labor. I am going to pay for something with it, hence a trade-off. Now I have two or more choices and the ones I don't choose are oppurtunity costs." Ahhhh, it needs to stop. I also have no idea when anything is due in that class so it sux. Oh well.

I had to work at AWANA tonight. My gosh, the children keep multipling - WHY?!? Short Jeff gave me, B, and C the evil eye cuz we were playing with the laser pointer from the balcony. Some little kid is like "What's that red dot?" ITS AN EVIL FAIRY AND ITS GONNA EAT YOU! That would have been fun. Anyways, I would just like to say in closing that it sux when you can't stuff your emotions - curse the teenage heart.

Life in a Nutshell (LOOK! I'M LIFE, WHY AM I IN THIS NUTSHELL?)

2003-09-11T05:12:45Z

Well, all I can say right now is life is ironic. People take me to be a goofy, whimsical person. It pisses me off when people assume me to be some immature teenager. Immaturity and goofiness are two completly different things. Then there's the fact that sometimes when I'm acting all happy, I'm just doing it for the benefit of others. Then there's the fact that I try not to act my age. I'm known by those who know me really well as the 17yearold going on 30. But then in the situations I'm put in, all these people are put above me simply because I'm young when they are a lot less mature.
Another thing that has been hitting me hard lately is the finite nature of life. I mean in this week alone I have gotten wind of two near fatal car wrecks, a 18 year old in the hospital after being shot in Iraq, my relative losing a baby, and on more minor notes, my mom catching bronchitis and a friend having a undiagnosed illness causing him to have asthmatic symptoms. Then there is just the fact that everything is finite. Many of my friends have left for college and it sux. I get so attached to people whether I want to or not and then when I come to a point of not being able to see them it kills me. Sometimes it doesn't even take a physical distance to lose a relationship - and it hurts even more due to the fact that I'm so close to the person but can't see them. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. What to do with me? Why must men all wither away like grass? I guess the only thing that validates our existance is others knowing/caring of and for us and once that is gone you are no one to nobody.

Life

2003-09-08T06:11:14Z

Well, Today was pretty fun. I ended up at the only place I feel completly at peace - the beach. It was nice. Then I can home. Man, I wish I could have stayed out there. As soon as I woke up this morning it was non-stop bombardment of comments and critiques that have driven me up the wall. I have no idea what to do about Youth Group anymore. It seems that every parent has their idea of how it should be and G and J don't do anything to help out the youth or stick up for us. I'm getting so sick of it. But everybody says stick it out. What to do...
Then there was my dad and my brother. My dad got all pissed cuz I told my brother to quit belly achin' and of course had to remind me that I was "still a child". At that point I left the house, which was nice. I walked around and cooled down.
At this point in the night I have come to the question of what I did to make people stop talking to me. I guess I'm just a lamer in the fact that I care about people even if they hate me. I'm so passed emotions right now. Oh well, sometimes neutral is good.

Love is in the air!

2003-09-07T02:16:08Z

CAN YOU SMELL THAT? (oh, wait, the dogs are in the room - nevermind) Anyways, its wonderful to be watching of a budding relationship. Ah, to be in love...if I wrote that book at the moment it would have about 2 pages due to the fact that I have never been there. But away from people, I love jeeps! They are so happy! Right now my dad is out trying to convince my mom to let me get one. Its funny, cuz one of the concerns she had was that I wasn't going to be able to drive a stick but she doesn't know about the whole little Prince Park incident. Hehe. Oh happy day. Its also funny that my dad should be "fighting" on my side at the moment because at dinner me and my dad were fighting about youth group (which is beginning to be a labor in and of itself <--- Ryan, I promise, 3 more weeks).
Right now, the only two things really weighing on my mind are 1) Ryan needs to not die and get better. and 2) COLLEGE! I'm pretty sure I want to act and major in acting and get my BFA - and strangely enough, I want to act as a career. The only thing is when God gives you a vision of granduer, Satan instantly fills your mind with doubts. I know in my heart I can do it but I have all the what ifs and scenarios in my head. A freshman who has never been to the east coast going to New York or Boston and majoring in a high profile, highly sought career choice. What makes me so different than the other 50 billion people (slight exaggeration - I know) trying to make it also. My head's swimming. All I can do is wait and pray to see how this all turns out.
On a more local front, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT AM I GONNA DO FOR ENGLISH?!?!?!?!? I have no idea what I'm gonna write. Oh well, I guess I'm gonna be brainstorming for a while. Well, I have to go find a jeep now and I also am hoping to meet Paws at 8:00ish so I'll catch you all later.

I'm back?

2003-09-01T17:49:24Z

Well, I know I havn't written in a while and I feel as if I've let my readers, namely "Tree", down. I just havn't had the "emph!" to write. This whole time (and even prior to my absence) I had begun to reflect on my life and what I want to do. It has become exceedingly clear to me that acting and more genrally performance is the common thread between everything. To most, I guess such dreams of granduer would sound juvinile and pointless but strangly enough that has really begun not to phase me. Ever since I was a kid all I have ever wanted to do was perform. I wanted to perform every chance I got but was daunted by insecurity and a bit of childhood immaturity. I guess one of the main reasons I have faith that I will act as a career is the fact that I still think its possible at my age and I have such a drive to do it. My heart does sometimes skip a beat to think of all the tasks ahead of me and I'm sure this is strictly a uphill journey but I don't want to do something that I'm gonna hate. Money is not my focus. As Hasto says, " The easiest thing in the world to do is make money". If you really thing about it he's right. Anyways, its Labor Day and I have to be off to a party. Ciao
P.S. I just found a tooth on the floor...what the heck?

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK!

2003-08-20T20:27:08Z

Well, today is going to be one of those days where it starts out slow and then won't stop til the wee hours of tonight. Going to youth group is going to be weird now that half my friends are gone. I don't know whether to embrace the situation or cry. I guess it's not the end of the world or the friendships with these people, its just a change that I wasn't looking forward to. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to be as inwardly happy for quite a while (thats where all the years of "acting" come in). Its funny cuz now its only really the little things that can actually make me smile. I guess I've just hit a valley. Its kind of ironic that it should come right after camp - supposedly a big high, but I guess it is for the younger ones. I don't really want to be fake with people but I feel like I have to live up to so sort of "happy standard" and when I'm not, its the end of the world and I'm going to do something stupid. Granted, I don't have the best track record but still, cut me some slack. I'm over that crap. Anywho, I have to go to work and work a 1/2 shift (I DON'T WORK WEDNESDAYS BUT SOMEHOW I GOT SCHEDULED - THERE'S A REASON I DON'T WORK WEDNESDAYS. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR). Oh well. I guess this is one of those points in my life where all that I held as my reality are taken away and I'm left to my devices to find out who I am and whats really going on.

Late Night Confessions

2003-08-20T06:10:04Z

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My brain is so fried. I just sat and watched 4 hours of law and order. Anywho, today was interesting. Had lunch with an old friend, puttered around the house(yes Ryan, puttered), and found out that I missed work. Apparently I work tomorrow so it'll be interesting. I really have no urge to write a lot tonight, I guess I'm still just trying to digest the weekend all in my head still. Oh well, just keep "truckin'" I guess.

I should be sleeping...

2003-08-19T06:26:05Z

I guess I should clear it up for everyone who is wondering what is going on in my personal and emotional life. I'm doing alright and I will be fine so don't worry about it. I'm just tired right now and I had to eat a banana (potassium deficiency) which are probably my least favorite fruit. I have nothing more to write for the night so um... godnight.

I'm back

2003-08-18T21:37:28Z

Well, I just got back from my river rafting trip and it was pretty cool. Nothing interesting really happened on the river except little Lizzie had her tooth go through her lip. Our guide had really pretty eyes - but yeah, thats about all the signifigant stuff I remember. Camp was great. There was so much free time so it made it so lax. I also got to hang out with people I wouldn't and get to know them better than I wouold otherwise. Last night I stayed up til 3 in the morning talking with people. Another plus of the trip is I got over a crush (at least I think I did). Its kind of nice not liking anyone. Hehe, I won the bet too. Free dinner for me. Anywho, I really have nothing else to talk about right now so umm, I'm gonna go be lazy. Later

Bluhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2003-08-15T05:18:50Z

I have about 7 hours til I leave for camp and right now I feel blah. For those who know me well, you all already know that I get very sick when confronted with stress. Its kind of annoying really. Tonight, for example, I went to dinner with my friends, and when I ate my food, I got sick. Unbeknownest to all except for Bethany and well now probably Ryan, I threw up about 200 yrds away from the resturant. Dude, I paid $7.29 for that burger and I puked it up behind a bunch of newspaper stands (hehee - after doing so I was in my right mind enough to pull out one of the free magazines and use it to wipe my face and cover the puddle - feel sorry for the poor sap who goes to pick that up). I feel a lot better than I did but still a bit icky. Tomorrow is gonna be great but I just hope I get to sleep tonight. I'm staying the night at a friend's house so my mom doesn't have to drive me to the church at 5:00am.
Its really funny, lately, no matter how much I try to dwell on the happy, I can't help but think about how short and finite human life really is. Each person's life is but an instant in the skeem of things. There's a person that's really been on my heart (a God prompting, not a romantic one) lately but no matter how much I try to advance the situation, something always comes up. I guess I just got to keep on truckin'. Patience and endurance seems to be the only thing coming from this at the moment. Anywho, I'm gonna go try and feel better so I'll catch ya when I get back (Sunday or Monday).
Adios

Good morning sunshine

2003-08-14T17:39:16Z

*stretch* Man, it feels good to get a full night's sleep. Granted, I was awaked this morning by a bunch of screaming banshees (my cousins and lil sis) but I still got to sleep for quite a while. Nothing's really going on this morning. Just the usual - brother "singing" at the top of his lungs, sister being loud in back of house, dog watching people eat from the top of recliner. Today is gonna be a lazy day. I have to pack for river romp - A BEAR, WHERE, OVER THERE!/SHOZBOT! (hehehe - yah half the people will get it). We have to have our stuff at the church by 6 cuz we leave tomorrow at 5 in the morning. Man, I havn't been rafting in years. Its funny because I know when I'm at river romp I'll be thinking about stuff here. Anywho my mom needs to use this line so I'll be back later.

Searching...

2003-08-14T07:13:50Z

I hear so many people say that there is nothing to do around here (no matter where here happens to be). People seem to get so bored, so fast with their surroundings. They never consider that they live around so many things that other people would love to experience. This whole thing was brought about by the fact that I went to a baseball game today (WOO-HOO! Go Red Sox) and it was the second professional game I have ever been to in my life. Baseball is our national past time and I've only been to a game twice, and yet I even still complain about how I want to do something fun and cool. I live 40 minutes (depending on how much you speed) from the ocean. I have two baseball teams an hour away. I have lakes near by. It seems so hard to be content with one's surroundings - the world tells everyone to try harder and be the best, but what is there in being the best? What if the top isn't everything it's cracked up to be? The best advice I have ever gotten on the subject is to be contented with what your given. An old hymn comes to mind...

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrow like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well (it is well),
With my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, O the joy of this glorious thought,
My sin not in part but in whole,
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul

And Lord haste the day,
When my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

Contentment is another issue. The truth is life can get you down and things happen that you can't help. I know my life still contains many more trials that I will have to endure but I guess the only one who can really help me through it is God. To any non-christian reading this, it may sound very cheesey but you know what - its true. In the challenges I have already faced and are facing, God has given me peace and contentment. That doesn't mean my life has been cakes and ale, I've just been able to deal with the situation. Take the preceding song, for example. The writer, Horatio G. Spafford, wrote this song after a major tragedy in his own life. His wife and four daughters were on a ship crossing the Alantic when they hit another ship and all four of his daughthers drowned. Now its true that I am in the middle of any major tradgedy but there are things that do weigh on my heart and this is one of those songs that kind of addresses that.
Well, I know I have gotten completely off track from the baseball game but the truth is, what are people looking for? I know, do you?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2003-08-13T18:04:30Z

Well, I guess you would call me kind of a late bird. I usually don't wake up til about 10:30 or 11:00 during the summer but today was one of those days where circumstances prevented me from doing so. My dogs both decided it would be cute to both come in and fight over a squeaky toy while standing on my sunburned legs. I guess I'm not too annoyed about it, it was just kind of a painful way to wake up. At least they weren't like the telemarketer that asked me if I smoked chronic (another story for another day), oh ya and the jackalope who decided to use a chainsaw next door at 7:30 in the morning - doesn't that conflict with some city ordinance of disturbing the peace? Well, I've got 2 more days til I go rafting and I'm still not feeling up to par. It'll be really fun, I just hope I don't die on the river. The rest of camp is gonna be fun too, but its a bunch of peoples last camp and it sux because I'm gonna be all reflective and sad and crud, and then people will be like "whats wrong" and no one will believe that nothing is actually wrong. Then there's the issue of "Darbey"/"Paul" (we've given him too many nicknames. I have no idea what he thinks of me anymore. I used to have a slight idea but thats all gone. Mon oiseau de chanson insists that he gives me special attention but I think she's crackin' out. She has been gone for two weeks besides and her "informative source" who was "watching" us was gone for a week so neither of them know whats going on even though they are sure they do. Hmmmmmmmm. Oh well, what ever happens, happens.
School's starting soon - unlike many people I actually am kind of looking forward to school. I get out at 12:30 everyday (drawback - zero hour) and I'll at least be able to keep track of what day it is. Well, I have to actually go wake up and do all my normal day stuff. I have youth group tonight so I can't go all smelly. I'll probably be back later.
Peace out.

Hello World.

2003-08-13T07:46:15Z

Well, what can I say. I have a lot to say but don't know how to start. I guess I'll just start with a question. Why are people so two-faced (for lack of a better word)? Its not that I'm mad at someone right now - it just I'm perplexed at how someone can act one way to you but can be completely different in reality. There is almost know possible "scientific" way to know if someone isn't just playing you. I guess its one of those things you just know. But then when you do get hurt, its like you thought you knew but you were wrong so then you don't even trust your own judgment. Maybe its just me. Anywho - this mainly stems from the fact that I care a lot about relationships and I hate when they die. I talked to my ex-bestfriend (long story for another day) today and it was just weird. I guess thats probably what this is from (actually I'm lying and know exactly what this is from but chose not to say for the fear that the person may read this). Well, I'm gonna figure out some more stuff on this thing so I'll catch ya later.